Expectations/Standards…who fucking knows
I sit here and keep hoping shit will change, be different, or I don’t know even get better, yet I’m let down all the time. Every other week. Nothing changes. You can not pray, hope, plead or beg the selfish out of someone. They choose themselves. Always.
Is selfish a narcissistic trait? I’m not in the moment to research that exactly but I’m guessing yes. Their way, their plans, their everything. You fit into their life, they don’t fit into yours.
It doesn’t take long for the hope to get shot down these days. Literally 6-8 hrs. every other week, any miniscule hope I had gets knocked over. It’s always the little things, appointments, calls, supplies for kids, sports schedules. If it’s not about them or works into their schedule, there’s an argument about how it’s your fault. NOT that they want to be involved in any way, just how much you are making their life harder.
The crappy thing is I know it’ll happen. Every time. I’m heart broken for my kids more so for the letdown they don’t stand a chance against. Yet, there’s always some big extravagant thing to blindside them with right when they are starting to find things out. A trip, a party, a nice shiny toy, absolutely anything to take away from the fact they couldn’t show up to a weeks worth of activities, they missed parent teacher conferences, open house, a program or a big game. That’s how this works. Your thing means nothing to me but here’s this thing that benefits me and my plans buy slightly giving you attention but not too much for a short amount of time until I mess up again.
I’m exhausted. I can’t help it. It’s the adrenaline surge. The build up of hope, only to sit and wait for the fall. After an adrenaline surge you’re feeling shaky, you’re heart is beating hard, you are physically & emotionally drained! Every other Monday. That’s me.
Danielle Bitz 