Today I unfollowed someone on Instagram for being incredibly fake. This person has gone through separation & divorce and is actively talking about it online. They state they want to be transparent and share the good the bad and the ugly but they don’t. They gloss over or talk around the points, even when they post question boxes. “Oh I’ll save that for a different day.” “I have something planned for this question.” Guess what they don’t.
Divorce & co-parenting are hard, even when you have it good. Even when you’ve got all the logistics worked out, it’s incredibly emotional, personal and tricky.
Continually watching someone repeatedly laugh through their “trauma”, or cry on camera and laugh in the same sentence, feels inauthentic. I’m not talking about actual sob crying, it’s the I might tear up, or let me look choked up, pause the video & restart so it looks like I was vulnerable. I’m going to video myself telling everyone how strong I am but not give any other details on what exactly I’ve been strong through.
If you’re going to try and be an influencer and talk through situations you’ve been through, be authentic if you want to grow your following. Hell be authentic in general if your intention is to bring awareness to something.
I feel like I’ve been a pretty open book, or I’m pretty transparent if someone has asked me what happened, what I did, how I’m feeling or how the boys are feeling. I’m not going to divulge a lot of information to someone I just met or who’s energy is just giving off gossip vibes. I used to open up to someone I was close to, they then broke my trust and now I don’t tell them anything. I share things open and honestly about my journey and the absolute shit show it’s been. The highs, the lows, the good, the bad and the really ugly is shared mostly with my sister since verbal acknowledgment is something I need to do after a messed up conversation.
I couldn’t sit there any longer and watch this person paint a perfect picture with all smiles and fields while they half ass cry simultaneously while spinning in circles screaming they are proud of themselves. What are you proud of!? You’re click baiting people for views, you’re splitting up your “story” for monetary gain on these social media platforms, you’re trying to appeal to so many demographics without giving them anything tangible to relate to you.
I will try to close this out as this, be authentic, be honest and be vulnerable. Divorce, no matter what is hard. It’s not easy and going through it or initiating it takes a lot of courage. You sit in a lot of shame for a while afterwards, whether you wanted it or not. You wrestle with the relationship with our co parent. So many things & questions cross your mind. Is this too friendly, is this person taking advantage of me again, what boundaries do I truly need, how much information is too much information, should I document this…and on and on. It’s exhausting.
On the other hand, I would love to write a book on co parenting one day. This is the ultimate battle I think in divorce. You have to give up time & give up control. Does that sound like a glamorous time?! I didn’t think so. You have to literally co-parent with the person who you are healing from, on top of it try to parent kids who act exactly like your co-parent and do the things you dislike. That’s super fun!
You won’t find me in a field twirling in circles fake crying. I’ll tell you to your face that my co parenting app sucks. It gives me anxiety actually. I’ll tell you that it takes 1.5 days to regulate my kids nervous systems and detox them. I’ll tell you that blending families can be awkward. However, watching your kids become siblings with kids their own age is pretty freaking sweet. Watching your kids become big brothers warms your heart like no other. By going through divorce you force yourself to do the work, which in turn helps you walk your kids through some emotional stuff you never thought of before. You’ve watched them become surrounded by a TON more people who love them. While you are exhausted with the battles, you have a freedom you didn’t have before, maybe you have someone who is willing to grow with you, you’re more at peace, you’re able to breathe again.
Be mindful of who you follow when you’re going through vulnerable moments, be mindful of the content you take in when your seasons change, not everything is for you even if everyone else seems to like it. If following political stuff gives you anxiety, BYE. If following super fit humans with physiques like you truly don’t want annoys you, BYE. Unfollow those people who are constantly sharing sad stories about sick kids. Say peace out to the people selling things, if you love your supplements, hide, ignore or snooze Barb’s posts about her quick weight loss drink. You have all the power on the content you take in and the people you surround yourself with. Make sure it’s productive and fills your cup with the path your life is on . Don’t follow in authentic people on social media or in real life. Don’t follow people who’s lives seem absolutely perfect if it upsets you. Don’t follow pages that feed into your insecurities if they leave you feeling worse.
Curate your feed like you’d curate your immediate circle.
Danielle Bitz 