Unfollow That Fake S**T

Today I unfollowed someone on Instagram for being incredibly fake. This person has gone through separation & divorce and is actively talking about it online. They state they want to be transparent and share the good the bad and the ugly but they don’t. They gloss over or talk around the points, even when they post question boxes. “Oh I’ll save that for a different day.” “I have something planned for this question.” Guess what they don’t.

Divorce & co-parenting are hard, even when you have it good. Even when you’ve got all the logistics worked out, it’s incredibly emotional, personal and tricky.
Continually watching someone repeatedly laugh through their “trauma”, or cry on camera and laugh in the same sentence, feels inauthentic. I’m not talking about actual sob crying, it’s the I might tear up, or let me look choked up, pause the video & restart so it looks like I was vulnerable. I’m going to video myself telling everyone how strong I am but not give any other details on what exactly I’ve been strong through.

If you’re going to try and be an influencer and talk through situations you’ve been through, be authentic if you want to grow your following. Hell be authentic in general if your intention is to bring awareness to something.

I feel like I’ve been a pretty open book, or I’m pretty transparent if someone has asked me what happened, what I did, how I’m feeling or how the boys are feeling. I’m not going to divulge a lot of information to someone I just met or who’s energy is just giving off gossip vibes. I used to open up to someone I was close to, they then broke my trust and now I don’t tell them anything. I share things open and honestly about my journey and the absolute shit show it’s been. The highs, the lows, the good, the bad and the really ugly is shared mostly with my sister since verbal acknowledgment is something I need to do after a messed up conversation.

I couldn’t sit there any longer and watch this person paint a perfect picture with all smiles and fields while they half ass cry simultaneously while spinning in circles screaming they are proud of themselves. What are you proud of!? You’re click baiting people for views, you’re splitting up your “story” for monetary gain on these social media platforms, you’re trying to appeal to so many demographics without giving them anything tangible to relate to you.

I will try to close this out as this, be authentic, be honest and be vulnerable. Divorce, no matter what is hard. It’s not easy and going through it or initiating it takes a lot of courage. You sit in a lot of shame for a while afterwards, whether you wanted it or not. You wrestle with the relationship with our co parent. So many things & questions cross your mind. Is this too friendly, is this person taking advantage of me again, what boundaries do I truly need, how much information is too much information, should I document this…and on and on. It’s exhausting.
On the other hand, I would love to write a book on co parenting one day. This is the ultimate battle I think in divorce. You have to give up time & give up control. Does that sound like a glamorous time?! I didn’t think so. You have to literally co-parent with the person who you are healing from, on top of it try to parent kids who act exactly like your co-parent and do the things you dislike. That’s super fun!

You won’t find me in a field twirling in circles fake crying. I’ll tell you to your face that my co parenting app sucks. It gives me anxiety actually. I’ll tell you that it takes 1.5 days to regulate my kids nervous systems and detox them. I’ll tell you that blending families can be awkward. However, watching your kids become siblings with kids their own age is pretty freaking sweet. Watching your kids become big brothers warms your heart like no other. By going through divorce you force yourself to do the work, which in turn helps you walk your kids through some emotional stuff you never thought of before. You’ve watched them become surrounded by a TON more people who love them. While you are exhausted with the battles, you have a freedom you didn’t have before, maybe you have someone who is willing to grow with you, you’re more at peace, you’re able to breathe again.

Be mindful of who you follow when you’re going through vulnerable moments, be mindful of the content you take in when your seasons change, not everything is for you even if everyone else seems to like it. If following political stuff gives you anxiety, BYE. If following super fit humans with physiques like you truly don’t want annoys you, BYE. Unfollow those people who are constantly sharing sad stories about sick kids. Say peace out to the people selling things, if you love your supplements, hide, ignore or snooze Barb’s posts about her quick weight loss drink. You have all the power on the content you take in and the people you surround yourself with. Make sure it’s productive and fills your cup with the path your life is on . Don’t follow in authentic people on social media or in real life. Don’t follow people who’s lives seem absolutely perfect if it upsets you. Don’t follow pages that feed into your insecurities if they leave you feeling worse.

Curate your feed like you’d curate your immediate circle.

I’m Allowed

You’re allowed to eat first. If everyone scatters when you get home, eat a warm meal before they hound you.

You’re allowed to delegate tasks to your family. No, you didn’t have kids to solely do the chores everyone expects you to do but those chores are also life skills, team building & future planning. Those tasks are a teaching moment every time. You are a family and a team. Delegate the tasks. You don’t have to do them all yourself while everyone sits around.

You are allowed to sit and watch. Teach your kids how to make supper and then sit and watch. Walk them through it, have conversations.

You’re allowed to let your kid struggle a little bit, they won’t learn if you save them all the time.

You’re allowed to use the gym daycare, you’re allowed to let your eldest babysit while you go for a walk, you’re allowed to let them babysit while you go to the gym for an hour. You’re allowed to tell them to make their own breakfast, lunch or supper.

You’re allowed to have a free for all supper if you’re exhausted. It’s ok if you’re not cooking 4 course meals 7 days a week. It’s ok if you’re making 1 meal a week. Are your kids fed, loved & happy? PERFECT! Are your kids all under your roof conversing with you while shoveling food in their mouths? You’re doing great!

You’re allowed to be exhausted, to put movies on for the whole day. You’re also allowed to shove them all outside while you lay in a chair and watch them play with each other and heaven forbid breathe fresh air.

You’re allowed to breathe for crying out loud. As mom’s we are told or quietly taught that everyone else should come before and we do that a majority of the time, but we do deserve to put ourselves first as well.

Teen Boys -What A Trip

Someone better stand up and take accountability for NOT telling me that teen boys are freaking hard! This is not what I expected at all. I feel lied to, tricked & gas lit. What the flying hell!

Why aren’t we talking about the emotions, the dramatics & the heavy arguments. Why aren’t we talking about what’s really going on in their heads? Did they really think it’s ok to just let us go in blindly!? We hear all about girls and their hormones but oh my gosh! The heavy sighs, the body flailing, the stomping. HELLO, this is important stuff that us boy moms should be aware of.

Maybe I’m truly this naive but what the hell.

This past month has been hard. I’m not sure what it is but it’s not held up to my expectations, which I know is an absolute joke. However, this has been worse than I expected. I never imagined so much attitude or kickback. So much defiance or lack of respect. Such gross behavior out of my kid.

This past week I actually reached out to my sons dad and asked if they had the capacity to keep my oldest for an extra week because I was so done with him. I’m not exercising it but it was put out there. His attitude is horrendous. I’m struggling with what I’m supposed to do at this point of parenting because clearly nothing is right. I feel like a massive failure.

This weekend, on our way to baseball, I had him list out the qualities he was proud of as a friend and brother & the qualities he wasn’t so proud of. This is also very hard to explain to a 14 year old.

I explained like this; “How do you think so and so would describe you as a friend & what do you think they would say you think you could do better at?” “How do you think your brothers would react when they asked for their favorite things about you & what they don’t like?”
I gave him my personal examples of things I think I’m doing pretty decent in as a mom and as a friend & used specific examples, I also gave him the things I think I could continue working on in both of those areas.

It’s really hard to explain it out loud without feeling like you’re attacking someone. Or maybe that’s just me over thinking and internally freaking out about “dimming their light.” I also don’t want him to feel like he can’t be his authentic self, but not if you’re going to be an arrogant butthead.

The action plan as of now is to keep him thinking, keep him working on the small acts, being more self aware when he walks into situations. Paying more attention to the little things. I don’t want his mouth causing anymore issues than it already has, nor do I want him to lose friends because he’s too busy worried about being cool, or because he thinks it’s cool to say all the stupid things that are inappropriate. I don’t want him to jeopardize his future sports career. I’ve encouraged him to find athletes who emulate what he strives to be and have values that he would like to align with.

Do I expect him to be perfect no. Absolutely not. However I also expect him to sit back and pause before jumping or doing. Yes I know he’s a boy and this is how their brains operate. However, know better do better, teach & learn better.

Manipulation

This could probably be my favorite thing to point out. When you are hyper aware and do the work on it, you see it in everything. That’s really sad honestly when you think about it.

I keep seeing meme’s and reels this week that hit really hard and I want to share them all but I also don’t want to look like I’m being petty or I don’t need people circulating lies that I’m this sad, stuck woman. I’m not.

I’m frustrated because nothing changes. I’m frustrated that people get off with no repercussions. It’s not even about karma at this point, it’s about the principal of things. It’s about being honest & taking accountability. It’s about being authentic & an actual good person. Not manipulating people’s view of you.

I want to know how other parents handle this kind of situation. How do you lead with thoughtfulness but real life situations? How do you tell someone to stop texting my child like that in a more respectful way than full on momma bear mode? I want to know, why the adult in the situation can’t be communicated with & your go to source all the sudden is my child? Why is your face always giving off the “feel bad for me” look? Why the hell can’t you just admit you were wrong and you should have approached that better?

I feel like I’m walking a fine line in parenthood regarding this and in all honestly, how do you walk through life, trying to help your kids when society is telling you to not spill too many details, talk to them like adults but don’t talk to them like adults. They should know things, they shouldn’t know things.

How the hell do I give them examples when I can’t use the material they are currently being fed!?

I’m just at a loss of words and a roadblock at the moment. I don’t want my kids thinking I have alternate agenda as that’s not the case plus I just am worried there will be a fall out in a couple of years on their behalf. Which then leads me to feel like maybe I should let them be smacked in the face, but then I wouldn’t be doing my part as their mom. Are they going to resent me for pointing out things or am I going to cause them to be in therapy all their lives. Are they going to be mad if I never pointed things out to them which could lead to more therapy. Do I just add a clause in my will that I’ll forever pay for your therapy because I had no clue what I was doing or how to handle things.

OR, odd thought here, stop manipulating people. Stop trying to guilt people. Stop forcing relationships. Be authentic, show up, try your hardest and take accountability when you fall short.

How can you be so complicit?

I’m unsure how to title this, so I’m going to wing it and try later.

I wonder what the other person thinks when they become the other parent. As in you marry or date into a co parent situation. What do you think if you’re single and kid less going into a coparent relationship? Are you all in, try to vibe with your significant other?

Recently, I was made aware of some coparents making the comments regarding “it’s not their responsibility to do that. “They shouldn’t have to do that.”

While I think it’s noble and I get it, why go into the situation if you as a coparent aren’t fully invested? Why change a kids life if you don’t intend on trying to be their cheerleader, motivator, or confidante?

Why include someone in your family dynamic if they aren’t willing to take on responsibilities or if you’re not willing to give them responsibilities?

I need help comprehending this because I would never bring someone into my kids’ lives who don’t treat them like their own or expect the same out of me. Who doesn’t go hard in treating them with respect but also trying to guide them?!

I don’t even want adults in my personal life who don’t bring anything to the table as a friend or an adult that my kids can rely on.

I can tell if you’re not committed. I can read your energy, I can read your attitude (which I’ll call you on), and I can read your body language. 

Don’t interact with my kids if your heart isn’t in it. We’ve got a small circle, and your bullshit or fake niceness isn’t needed.

If you aren’t whole heartedly committed to improving the lives of the kids, don’t come around. This goes hard for people in the parents & coparents world. Family included. If you want to sit back and be complicit with the lack or respect and believe everything at face value, you deserve no space in the kids lives. Plain as day. Why should you get access when you’re working against a parent or both parents? Why should you get access if you refuse to hold someone accountable?

If you think you know, You don’t.

If you think you get to judge a situation you’ve never been in, think again honey. If you think you know what’s best about a scenario you’ve never been apart of, then kindly, shut up. Unless you’re voice is going to be used to build up those in the situation then sit down and shut the fuck up.

My intentions have been called into question so many times in different situations but when it comes to divorce, my kids & co parenting, I will stop at nothing to make sure my kids are happy & mentally well. Well enough to stand up for themselves, to call out lies and bullshit. To know when someone is trying to manipulate them.

Is divorce hard, yes & no. Depends on how you move forward, depends on if you choose to let the animosity go, depends on what outcome you want for your mental health and your children’s perspective. If you choose to be vindictive, well you deserve shit. If you choose to make things difficult and hard, your victim act will be seen through immediately.

If you ever find yourself in a situation such as a co parenting relationship and they hide things from you, or refuse to show you messages between their coparent and themselves. Ask questions. If they consistently claim you’re crazy or obsessed, ask questions. If they spend more time showering you than their kids, ask questions. Lastly, if you find yourself in this situation and don’t try every day to make sure it’s as good as it can get or better than the last day, try harder or get the fuck out. If you don’t ask questions, or push someone to be better. Just leave.

I will live and die on this mountain until I’m blue in the face. I will hold anyone accountable. I will ask as many questions as I want and I will be here for all the screen shots and receipts from both sides. Those babies are what is the most important and if you don’t fight like hell to work as a team every single day, you’re blind and clueless.

So, go ahead and call me every name in the book, accuse me of whatever but honey, those screenshots are all the proof I need. I also have the best support system. I also never stop working on myself, finding new boundaries and praying to God that no one has to deal with what I do. It could be worse and it could be better and for that I’ll never stop praying.

8th Grade – The year everything changed

It’s hard to imagine that I have an 8th grader. Let alone a kid who can get his permit and legally start driving. To think about what I was doing and where I was at mentally at his age is almost out of this world.

Brecken, is my first born son. As the first born you’re subject to a lot of trial and errors. We grow up together, we learn, we cry and we battle together as we both learn new things. It’s a dream, let me tell you! (This is all sarcasm.)

In all reality, Breck is a really great kid, he’s smart, he’s an amazing big brother…most of the time. Just don’t tell him to his face because that would embarrass him. He’s an amazing athlete & has every bit of my fire & stubbornness. Unfortunately, I often compare 8th grade Danielle to him a lot. In my head don’t worry! I’m traumatizing him in other ways.

8th grade Brecken has an enormous amount of friends, is the cool kid, great at sports; we like to tell him he’s a little mini influencer. He has a tremendous amount of support from our friends and family & much to his dismay, me watching him like a hawk while trying to give him some freedom also while reminding him texts & screenshots are permanent. Oh and girls aren’t worth the drama so please stop entertaining their multiple facetimes & phone calls. (damn are they persistent these days) 8th grade Brecken also lives in a world where Champion brand is cool as well wearing sweats to school every day.

8th grade Danielle was none of those things nor did I have the support. 8th grade Danielle was a dork with bangs, had just moved from a private school to a public school and was traumatized with kids making out in the hallways. I was on the B team in Basketball, I never really fit in anywhere so just coasted through friend groups & had a boy break up with after 2 weeks because I held his hand wrong during an assembly. He’s balding and out of shape now so jokes on him. We had the worst support from our local family during this time and it only continued to unravel. There was no sense of community, no pushing to do better or be better but so much belittling and degrading.

8th grade Danielle is beyond jealous of Brecken. She’s also more proud of him and cheers for him in a distant memory. She cheers hard for him and wants to shake him when he acts out. “You might not see it now but you are all so lucky, you have so much support, so much guidance, so much growth ahead of you and more importantly you have stability and light.”

8th grade Danielle gets to give 8th grade Brecken, what she longed for. What she needed & what she deserved and I get to pass that all down through the other two as well. They get to grow up with their siblings, I didn’t get that either. They get to watch my sister and I navigate this cool relationship that we missed out on for too many years.

Danielle today, at 37 years old, is and will always be working through hard things in life. So, what you might not think is growth on your end has been years of hard work, a lot of tears & choosing better. I started that process 14 years ago, & stepped my game up 8 years after that. I get to change the course.

These boys make me want to be better every single day. Watching them grow up has pushed me to learn and grow past all the things I had to go through alone; to ensure none of them will ever know what I was forced to. I

I’m so proud of you!

I did something today that Danielle 5 years ago would be so proud of!

She’d be proud of my courage to push past my anxiety. She’d be so proud that I’ve chosen to stand my ground. That I’m not going to take silence as an answer. I’m not going to take back talk as an answer and that I’m not going to let someone dictate what I know is right!

Man, she’d be so proud. Today as I dropped a letter in the mail I just wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I can’t believe I had to mail said letter, I can’t believe I’m in the position where I have to stand up for my kids in such a way that was so unheard of 5 years ago.

I have gotten to a point where I’ll stop at no cost. I’m over the disrespect. I’m over the negligence. I’m over the blatant disregard for the human lives I created. I’m over watching someone be selfish, I’m choosing to be selfish for my kids who don’t have a voice yet but hopefully one day will realize I risked it all and I would risk it every day to make sure they know how much I love them.

Today I mailed a letter that is just a small step in standing up for them, for myself and for a girl who was so pushed down 5 years ago. Who was so exhausted and berated. There’s not enough exclamations points in the world for how tired of being bullied into decisions I knew weren’t right.

There have been so many moments in my life I’ve looked back on and thought, “Holy shit! You made it out the other end!” It’s similar to the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea, well at least that’s how I feel sometimes. God makes a path for you and it’s long and tedious and we think we should go back, we think we should just give up, we think there’s no way this journey ahead is going to be any better. He might even throw some water at us to wake up in our delusional thinking. I know he’s done that to me. “Hey! Wake up, yeah it sucks now but keep going, I’ve got plans for you.”

So, while today is a small step in a long road, I’m no longer scared. I’m no longer worried about making people upset, I’m no longer concerned about who thinks I’m a bitch, because honey, just you wait. This is only the beginning and when it comes to my kids, you haven’t seen anything yet.

Be proud of yourself, the past version of you is silently cheering you on. Whether it’s small steps or big steps, you’ve come so far. While the journey may be long and tedious, you never got anywhere by going backwards. I’m SO proud of you.

Is there ever really a last straw?

At what point do you think this is it! This is my last straw, this is the last comment, the last missed appointment, the last break down, argument, tantrum, whatever the last straw is for you. I feel like Horton, from Horton Hears a Who, holding onto that flower for dear life sometimes. When I think it can’t get any worse one of the petals blows away and I sink a little more…very, very slowly. Every once in a while a gust of wind will push me up a ledge so I’m toeing the edge of a rock, where this makes me feel like I’ve got it together and I’m making ground. Just kidding, another petal drops and a gust of wind knocks me down a tad. Never truly plummeting, yet has you teetering on an edge of your sanity for the rest of your life. Fun times right!

At one point I wanted to poll my friends and ask them what their last straw was/is. What finally pushed them over the edge? How did you know, this was it? I didn’t because I was afraid of what people would think. I was afraid I was alone or I was the only one who thought these things. Turns out, I’m not. Turns out it just take one person to outwardly express some of these thoughts and others throw their hands up in solidarity, let out a sigh of relief and exclaim, “OMG, I thought I was the only one who was feeling like this!”

In the same thoughts that come with this, is the thought of being the bigger person. These tend to go hand in hand for me. How long do I have to be the bigger person, at what point can I just shove all this back in their face. They know what they said got to me so why I can’t I make them feel how I feel. What’s the last straw for just unleashing?! Why do I have to bear this weight and they can just throw bullshit around so freely? I can’t believe these people believe their blatant lies! How can they not see right through them? I have screenshots guys, let me show you why I deserve to fire back.

Needless to say let me just say thank you to those who talk me off a ledge because I LOATHE being the bigger person. As the Grinch would say, “Hate, hate, hate, Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely.” That about sums up my feelings on being the bigger person. It doesn’t feel good to me, I don’t walk away feeling like I’m winning anything, or have any lightbulb moments. It makes me feel like I have unreleased tension, I’m just building up the eventual fallout. I leave with feelings questioning why someone gets to say something continuously but I always have to bite my tongue. Even if I were to hold my composure and have a well thought/typed out rebuttal. The answer is no. ( Thank you to those talking me off the ledge by the way)

So today, I’ll delete the email or text. I’ll sulk in my really good comebacks not getting their day in court. I’ll walk away annoyed my sister replied, “I know you really want to send that but that person won’t care anyway. They didn’t care then and they won’t care now. They’ll just try to come back with more things that hurt you and you’ll still be the one affected.”

So today I will be the bigger person, but only because those around me told me no to my really good comebacks. I’ll let them think I walked away feeling like a winner! 😉


Dora’s been dead for a while now…..

2 years ago I wrote a social media post basically demanding everyone stop calling me Dora. It was a nickname I received right before I had kids that eventually gave me what felt like a drowning identity crisis.

Fast forward towards the end of my marriage & it started to feel like it was a way for too many people tothis nickname to feel less remorse about the garbage that they spewed. It made me feel like I was walking around with a veil on. Like people could say whatever they wanted about me or to me and they felt justified because they weren’t actually seeing me as a real person. I was disguised behind this mask, this nickname that I had had for 10years.

I initially only shared the post to Instagram for the sole purpose of I was scared and I had less of his family and acquaintances on there. I woke up the next day and just said FUCK THIS and hit the share to FB button. I was sick of hiding, I was sick of playing small and I was sick of being scared of the repercussions and kickback of a post like that, me standing up for myself publicly, where everyone could see and screenshot it.

It was really a small gesture but a huge step in me taking my life back. Me owning who I really am and who I want to be going forward. It was insanely liberating for being such a small gesture.

That original Instagram post popped up in my memories this morning and I just smiled. The insanely good feedback I got and encouragement I received from other people was shocking. I was being congratulated! I had friends and former family telling me good job and they were proud of me. I had people coming up to me telling me they felt like they needed that kick in the ass for themselves in a round about way. I felt validated, I felt and still do feel empowered.

I was so scared to take by my identity and I ended up inspiring others. It was one of the hardest posts I’ve made thus far and it awakened a huge vulnerability in me. I’m not scared to say what or how I feel anymore. I’m not scared to stand my ground. I’m not scared anymore who I piss off or what someone is going to say about me. I’m not a scared little girl anymore, intimidated by false threats and empty words.
I’m strong as fuck and it scares the shit out of him. I couldn’t be more proud of myself.